Why Is My Life So Embarrassing: A Memoir

It was a hot summer day in the stuffy gymnasium of Lahser High School. The women’s junior varsity volleyball team was warming up for the regional championship tournament that was taking place later that afternoon. My position on the team was the setter, only because I wasn’t tall enough to be a hitter. I was the only setter on the team, which meant I was forced to play throughout the entire game. During the first round of this very important tournament, we were winning by at least 12 points and everyone’s adrenaline was pumping. It was my turn to serve, and since we were ahead my coach told me to try a “jump serve” which I had only successfully conquered once in my lifetime. I carried-out the serve very well, but the landing not so much. As I was coming in for the landing, something went horribly wrong. The only way to describe the feeling that came over me in that moment would be to compare it to when you lose your footing on the stairs and you are kind of free falling but your facial expression just reads pure fear. So I landed with my right foot completely turned inward. The worst part was that since my serve actually made it over the net somehow, the point was still going on. I had to finish out that game with a sprained ankle, which was not an ideal situation. Needless to say, I was out for the rest of the season. The even worst part was that this series of cataclysmic events happened just days before I started my freshman year of high school. So I had to roll into my first day of high school in crutches. Eventually the bones healed, but my ankle never fully felt normal after the incident.

Three years later on yet another August day, I was sitting on the couch in my living room watching E! News, because I lived in Ohio and there is nothing else to do. Just to give some background information, I self-identify as an avid Jennifer Aniston fan. With that being said, when I head Ryan Seacrest announce that my girl Jen was engaged to Justin Whatshisface I couldn’t be more excited. I couldn’t wait to share the news with someone, so I started running to the kitchen to tell my mother. On the way there I forgot about the step that separated my living room and hallway and I tripped and fell on my ankle. Which ankle? The same one I hurt three years earlier. My mother laughed all the way to the doctor, where I referred to my current state of shame as “a flare up of a pre-existing injury.” Thankfully this time, I had only sprained my ankle joint. Was it worth it? Not at the time, but two years later this embarrassing event ended up positively impacting my life.

Thursday January 30th, 2014 started off as any other normal day. As a member of the Twitter community, I often use my account to connect with other people. Not only am I a huge fan of Jennifer Aniston, but I love Jimmy Fallon as well. Back when he was on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, he had a segment called “Late Night Hashtags” where he would pick a topic and read his favorite tweets from his fans. Every week I would try and send in a clever tweet to be picked for his show, and each time I would be let down. One week the hashtag was “my dumb injury” and I automatically had the perfect story to share. I sent in my Jennifer Aniston story tweet, and went on with my day. That night I was sitting on my bed in my dorm room brushing my teeth, when all the sudden I heard Jimmy Fallon say my name on TV. I immediately froze mid brush and turned to look at my roommate. We both screamed and I fell off of my bed. I tried to catch my footing but instead once again landed awkwardly on my right leg and foot. I had re-injured my ankle, but this time it was totally worth it. I may have lost some dignity that day, but I did gain 100 new Twitter followers.

How Technology Is Ruining (Or Improving?) My Life

It’s no secret that our generation seems to rely entirely on technology. It’s impossible go out to a restaurant, a movie theater, or sporting event without seeing teenagers glued to their phones 24/7. Why are we talking in hashtags, sharing every little private moment with our facebook friends (most of which probably really don’t care), and instagramming every Starbucks frappe? I know what you’re thinking, who am I to call out people for their obsessive use of technology, right? Well, I feel entitled to do so because I am just as guilty as everyone else. Welcome to my personal (technological) hell.

It’s hard to remember life before Twitter and Snapchat. Try to reminisce back to a time when talking to people face to face, was a normal thing. Nowadays, it seems younger generations avoid real human interaction in the fear of it becoming “awkward.” I know for me personally, I am much more comfortable texting someone than calling them over the phone. When texting, you can take however long you please, and sure you may seem like an ass, but at least in an uncomfortable situation you can plan out what you want to say. Technology is comforting, and when I’m not checking twitter, facebook, and my group texts, I tend to feel out of sync. I find myself pondering over how many favorites my tweets get, or likes on my instagram, and then getting angry with myself for even caring to begin with. I love my technology, and all the various ways to watch videos and stay connected, but I’ll be the first to admit that it has negatively impacted my ability to communicate in person.

Not only does my life feel fully consumed by technology, I feel as if technology is consuming me as well. It’s as if when something big happens in our lives we tend to think, “Oh my gosh, I need to tweet this, and then take a picture and post it, or maybe update my facebook status!” Shouldn’t we be more excited about sharing it personally with those around us who we truly consider our closest friends and family?  The truth is you may think technology is your friend, maybe even your BFF, but it can also be a back-stabbing, two-timing, son of a bitch.

Is this over-consumption of technology truly a bad thing? Who knows. Texting and Skype are convenient methods of communication, and are being used daily on a world wide level. Social media is an extremely efficient tool for communication and networking and it has opened up a whole new job market. Websites like Youtube, Twitter, and Vine are great ways to show off one’s creativity and hopefully get discovered. Everyone uses technology uniquely, and the possibilities are truly endless. Although, one can’t deny the noticeable social downfall associated with the overuse of technology. So many middle school and high school students seem to be losing their communication skills at a rapid rate. It’s starting even younger and younger, as we see 4th graders attached to their iPhones. Our generation is often labeled as self-obsessed, and maybe technology is partially to blame for that.

It’s hard to predict whether or not this problem is going to get better or worse. With each New Year brings new technologies, so it’s hard to apprehend what the future holds.  I do know one thing for sure. There’s more to life than that little screen we often let determine our self-worth. It took me awhile to admit my defeat against technology, and fight the urge to be connected with my social media accounts non-stop.  Just keep in mind that there’s so much more to gain from talking to a friend face to face, then by sending a funny snapchat. I promise, you can say things of much more significance, WITHOUT a 140 character limit.

How “Mean Girls” Changed My Life

Get your pink shirts ready, fluff up your hair so big it’s full of secrets, call Randy from Chase Visa, head for the projection room above the auditorium, take your wig off, and say crack again (crack), because you might want to leave the south side for this…

You may have heard around the web that April 30th marks the 10th anniversary of the film Mean Girls. This clever comedy, written by Tina Fey and directed by Mark Waters, is considered one of the most popular and influential girl power movies of all time. Since its premiere in 2004, it seems that fans of the film can’t stop talking about it—well, quoting it to be exact. You can find Mean Girls references all over the internet, including online quizzes assisting in the discovery of that vital question “Which Mean Girls Character Are You?” (I got Mrs. Norberry in case you were wondering). Countless articles about how this movie has impacted generations of teenagers, and taught us lessons about self-respect and feminism have been written over these past 10 years. I know the last thing you want to do is read yet another article about Mean Girls, but you better get used to it. When it comes down to the appreciation of the film that heightened our vocabularies with slang such as “grool, fetch, and fugly,” there is no end in sight.

Fey has created one of the strongest, most loyal “fandoms” there is, without even knowing it or probably intending to do so. Most of us have seen the movie hundreds of times, and can pretty much recite the script beginning to end. Not only is this movie hilarious, but when it comes to surviving high school as a girl, it holds some truth. When I first saw it in theaters, it went straight over my innocent 10 year old head. Literally every “subtle” sexual innuendo didn’t even phase me, until my later years of awkward puberty. I can distinctly remember being in the 6th grade when I was jokingly asked if “I’d like someone to butter my muffin” and all the sudden “it hit me like a big yellow school bus.” As a 4th grader in that movie theater, little did I know that in the years to come this movie would completely change my life; helping me discover a love and passion for comedy, as well as teaching me the rules of girl word. So don’t throw away your army pants and flip flops just yet, and get ready to keep being personally victimized by Regina George.

I wouldn’t want to live in a world where people don’t regularly yell out “she doesn’t even go here” in a large crowd of people.  I mean you’re lying if you say you haven’t tried to successfully memorize the Jingle Bell Rock dance at a highly inappropriate young age. Or even make a diarrhea joke outside of a Barnes and Noble. You may be under the impression that Mean Girls is as successful as it is because of the humor and quotable lines. I think that the real reason this film is so well-known, is due to the fact that the message really resonates with everyone. It takes on the task of portraying a girl who feels like an outcast, and how she changes herself to be better liked by her peers. Sound familiar? Yes, this may be the plot of many movies, but there is something special about this storyline. This film depicts a lot of issues teenage girls face, but in a way that makes it okay to laugh about.

The Character of Cady Heron accurately illustrates what it is like to change who you are to fit in. Something I, as well as most girls can probably attest to. I personally felt a connection to Cady, and not because I too just happen to be a natural redhead. Maybe you’re more of a Gretchen, or a Karen, maybe you feel like Janis, or Damien, or you may even be the Regina. It doesn’t matter who you identify with, we are all fighting the same battle of desperately hoping to fit in. All through school I felt the need to find affirmation and self-worth from others. Like most girls, I thought gaining the respect of my peers was crucial. I didn’t understand that respecting myself, was way more important. We often let people change us, and make us feel crappy for being different. Cady, although she went through a transition herself, came to the realization that it doesn’t actually matter what people think. I know, much easier to say than truly believe, but it really is a fact. I was interested in things that my friends weren’t always crazy about, which made me feel different from them. I thought different was a bad thing, when in actuality it is the best thing someone can be. Do you really want to sacrifice what makes you unique to be in a group of robot-like girls who are all the same person, (cough cough the plastics) just to fit in? I wasn’t sure exactly who I was, or wanted to be. I was caught up in the idea of finding an identity. Now I realize that I don’t need to find an identity to take on, as I am not an actor playing a role, instead I have the opportunity to create an identity. Mean Girls helped me discover that you don’t have to fit a mold, or do what is expected of you. You should do whatever makes you happy, and surround yourself with people who make you strive to be the best version of yourself.

After repeatedly watching Mean Girls, I soon discovered Saturday Night Live, sparking my interest in comedy. I watched Tina Fey and Amy Poehler on weekend update, mesmerized by their comedic wit. Once I hit 10th grade, I started really getting into comedy television. I’d watch anything and everything. This was my outlet, as I was never a class clown or even an outgoing student. Television was, and still is my best friend. As sad as that sounds, it’s not as pathetic as you think. I’ve learned a lot from television, like what makes a good joke, and how to develop characters and relationships throughout a series. I always saw comedy as a hobby, and I never thought it would influence my career goals. It wasn’t until college that people started telling me I was funny, or a decent writer. Sometimes a gut feeling isn’t enough, but hearing it from others–even strangers is all it takes. Knowing people are enjoying what you are creating truly is the best feeling.   

 Girls are mean, there is no doubt about that. They can be catty, bitchy, and in constant competition with one another, yet Mean Girls twists it into a way that makes it acceptable to laugh about it. Fey has created a timeless comedy, portraying the label of a “mean girl” vs. the “outcast.” People will continue to relate to, and reference it during their awkward, lonely, high-school years. The humor in Mean Girls will never get old, because girls will always be mean. There is no doubt about that. In another 10 years we will still be laughing at Kevin G’s rap, Karen Smith’s gym clothes (in the name of all that is holy) and Damien’s too gay to function mannerisms.  This classic comedy will live on forever, as we all know when it comes to the number of times one can watch and quote Mean Girls, the limit does not exist.




A Prayer For Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes is a Nickelodeon treasure. When I was growing up I wanted nothing more than to be like Amanda. Watching All That, and The Amanda Show were the best parts of my day. She is a talented, funny, and beautiful actress. Unfortunately, like many other child stars, somewhere along the road to fame she lost her way.  This is my prayer for the young girl who once brought us 90s kids so many laughs. She may have made a few strange slip ups over the past couple years, but I’m rooting for you, Holly Tyler.

First, All Mighty Father, 

let us pray for Amanda’s career, We all admired her once, back when she truly was All That

My dear Amanda, I am deeply concerned about your hairstyle choices. What is this mess of blonde-pink weave you’ve got going on? Penny, you know your character in hairspray, would never approve. Hopefully now that you’ve had a taste of the Judicial System, you’re never going back

Speaking of the Judicial System, I pray that any further legal issues help to bring out your inner Judge Trudy. We all know she’s still a part of you, but if you keep up the drug use the dancing lobsters may become a reality

St. Marianne Byrant, why did you throw a bong out of a window? for your sake, I hope God has a sense of humor. But if not, there is a higher power who will judge you for your indecency.. (Justin Bieber) So take it Easy, Ehh?

O Lord, May Drake Bell save your damaged soul, we would love for you two to work out your unrequited love in yet another “Hill Billy Moment”

On the topic of Drake, Lord please lift up Amanda’s Twitter account. For she did not mean to offend anyone, she was simply portraying her rebel alter-ego from her former role as Daphne Reynolds. Getting attacked on Twitter is definitely not What A Girl Wants

 Lord please watch over Holly Tyler, Though she may be a liar, and I’ll never fully understand why she wanted to date Henry when Vince was SO OBVIOUSLY in love with her. What I Like About You quickly vanished before our eyes, just like your once booming career.

You will forever be Amanda, the popular queen bee from “The Girl’s Room.” Her innocence may be tainted, but you don’t have to pretend to be the bad bitch you’ll never be.  So take that piercing out of your cheek, seriously.

As Penelope Taynt would say, Amanda please, admit that you have made some mistakes. You seem as lost as your mother in that hot air balloon on Moody’s Point

Lastly God, I pray for Amanda’s health. If a pregnant Jamie Lynn can get through ruining the greatness that was once Zoey 101, you can get through this little mishap.  I wish you the best of luck in the fashion school you’ve just enrolled in, but may you one day return to the world of sketch comedy. Because when it comes to the one and only Amanda Bynes, we can all agree that

She’s The (Wo)Man,


Are You There Netflix? It’s Me, Megan

“The Netflix Binge” The World’s Newest Epidemic

I just got Netflix for my birthday. Well actually a month early, because I couldn’t wait any longer. That should tell you something right there. On day one of finally purchasing my very own membership, I was already addicted. It doesn’t surprise me that people get addicted so easily when there are so many quality TV shows to choose from. I don’t just love TV; it is a major part of my life. As sad as that sounds, I’ve learned that I’m not alone. There are so many Netflix addicts out there, so you don’t have to feel bad about yourself for spending hours in front of your TV or computer screen glued to Orange Is The New Black. My Netflix addiction is no joke, and I would say that for some people it’s turning into somewhat of an epidemic. There are serious side effects, such as: lack of interest in other activities, little or no social life, and over-attachment to fictional characters. They become a part of your life, and sometimes I even find myself worrying about the well-being of Walter White and Jesse Pinkman throughout my week.

That bright red screen is almost like a sense of comfort and belonging. The funny thing is that even if you want to stop watching, depending on what device you’re streaming it on, Netflix doesn’t ask you if you want to watch the next episode. The countdown starts, the remote is out of reach, so you think to yourself “just one more episode.” Before you know it you’re 4 seasons deep, it’s 3:00 in the morning and you’ve lost all control of your life. But then you’re on that last episode of the series, and you just don’t want it to end. But it does, and it leaves you feeling empty –until you find a new series to invest your emotional attachment in. This is what is referred to as “binge watching.” It’s just a cycle and it comes with relapse and withdrawals, just like any other addiction. The commercials you see on TV even warn to “watch responsibly.” In no way am I dissing Netflix; in many ways I see it as kind of like a close friend who is around only when you want them to be. So stop feeling bad about finishing the entire series of LOST in a 2 week time span. Or watching not just one, but all three Cheetah Girls movies in one sitting (I’ve done it and let me tell you I am not ashamed). I guarantee loving Netflix won’t land you on an episode of “My Strange Addiction.” So keep watching, and don’t forget that one more episode really means 8 more episodes, or even an entire season. Good luck my friends.

RIP “Twerking” A Sentimental Eulogy For The Dance Move We Love To Hate

For those of you who don’t know, I am just one of the many people affected by “twerking” and I’d like to say a few words in memoriam. We are gathered here today, to mourn and honor the end of the dance craze “twerking.” Urban Dictionary defines twerking as “the act of moving/ shaking ones bottom in a circular, up-and-down, and side-to-side motion–or just tweeting at work.” It’s been months since it’s worldwide debut at the 2013 VMAs. Every day since then, it’s been a non-stop twerk off between people on both our computer and television screens. There were good times, and very bad times. I remember the first time I tried to twerk, and then the wave of shame and embarrassment that came afterward. Let us not forgot the many variations of this expressive art form, such as wall-twerking, which almost always ended in someone falling on their face.  In all truth, it didn’t matter who you were, what you look like, or where you came from, twerking was something everyone (thought they) could do. I find pride in knowing I can share the memories of what it was like to live in the twerking era with my future children, and even their children too. Twerking was fun for awhile, but we must accept the fact that nothing lasts forever. 

Let us take a moment to remember the girls who twerked their way to fame, fortune, or the nearest emergency room. I’ll always be able to look back on my college years and remember how they were filled with this revolutionary movement, and there are many people to thank for that.  Miley Cyrus, thank you for showing us that not everyone should twerk, because no one does it quite as well as you. I’d like to give my condolences to Robin Thick as it is a shame his wife and him couldn’t twerk it out in the end. My gratitude to Jimmy Kimmel, for fooling us all with that Youtube video of that girl who’s yoga pants caught on fire while twerking, for reminding us that dancing comes with a price (Those yoga pants are expensive). Life is short, and there is no guarantee you will twerk forever. Not only is this the end of a dance style, but an end of an era as well. We will never forget the memories, or the many vine videos of people trying to twerk. Those 6 second moments will live on forever. I’ll be the first to admit, twerking and I didn’t always see eye to eye (or ass to ass, I guess) but I think it’s time to bury the ratchet. Let me end with a beautiful quote from a song called Twerk It: “I ain’t never seen it twerk like that, So when she turn around and work it, Back it up and dump it, Ask her who she twerkin’ for like that” I think it’s time to lay twerking to rest. Goodbye twerking, in our regrets you’ll always stay, haunted and remembered every day. RIP Twerking.




The Truth About Girl Crushes

I’ll admit it, I like girls. No not in a romantic type of way, but as women I’m betting we’ve all had those moments where we struggle to suppress our infatuation with a particular Hollywood Actress. Her perfect hair, memorizing eyes, the way she does her makeup, her fashion style, her tight-toned physique, and what the hell, maybe even her life. What is this distinctly complicated feeling you ask? You are probably guilty of having developed what is known as, a girl crush.

The admiration of others is a part of life, and it teaches us how to find role models we can marvel at without seeming too “obsessive.” It is far from abnormal to have harmless attachments to other people. Growing up we go through the many phases of our first celebrity crushes. May it be a boy-band heartthrob from NSYNC, or an older sophisticated talent such as Leo DiCaprio, there is no shame in this innocent endearment. Preteen girls often find comfort and personal connections to pop stars and actresses. We all do it, so there’s no reason to hide it or be ashamed of it. I can guarantee even the most hipster chick you know has girl crushes, even if she denies it.

There are a couple different layers of girl crushes. As famous YouTuber Jenna Marbles explained in one of her videos, there are levels of intensity that a girl crush can be categorized into. I’ve come up with my own version of this, with my own criteria. The first level is called Fangirl. This is someone whose work you admire. Someone you may look up to for inspiration in many aspects of life such as fashion, or specific virtues they may possess. You’ve seen all the movies, or bought every album, and are obsessed with pretty much everything they have ever done. This type of girl crush qualifies as someone you wish you could be best friends with in real life. Maybe it’s Jennifer Lawrence, who seems super down to earth and hilarious. You may find yourself identifying with her awkwardly adorable demeanor while fanatically watching her red carpet interviews.

The second level of a girl crush comes down to the mantra of “I would like to be you.” This is the type of infatuation where envy plays a trivial role. One day you’re casually surfing the web, and suddenly find yourself looking at pictures of Blake Lively on Google Images for longer than you’d like to admit. She’s hot, there’s no denying it. The final level of girl crushes is not a joke. This can be labeled as “please adopt me and teach me your ways.” Like if I had the opportunity I would drop everything and hangout with/and or transform into you, or your child. No matter what movie or show they are in, you are willing to go out of your way to see it. At this level your crush is no longer a secret, the truth is out and your friends and family are aware that you would possibly trade one of them to meet this person. Although realistically, you feel like you already do know this person.

You don’t have to be romantically attracted to a girl crush, or maybe you are and that’s great too. At least come to terms with the fact that every girl has some level of a girl crush on someone. There is a reason every Wednesday there is a trending topic called “Women Crush Wednesday” on twitter. It’s not just a “girl” thing either, guys have man crushes too. So don’t let a guy make you feel strange for having Kristen Wiig as your iPhone background. Don’t apologize for hanging a poster of a hot actress on your bedroom wall, but instead celebrate your role models for helping you believe in something; anything. Continue to appreciate the greatness of women, and fully embrace your inner girl crush tendencies.

The Emmys: A Drinking Game That Ends In Tears

Let me just start off by saying that Sunday night was a emotional roller coaster. The Emmy‘s is not just an award show to me. It’s like watching all my friends hanging out together, without me… When I watch the Emmy’s, I end up drinking close to a whole bottle of wine while crying tears of anger and (or) joy and screaming at the TV. It’s casual.  It all starts with the slightly over the top and horribly awkward red carpet party where we are forced to watch uncomfortable interviews and slo-mo videos of the “Glamcam 360″ while taking a shot every time someone says “who are you wearing” (I don’t recommend doing that, I assume it’s deadly) Ryan Seacrest should really be the only one allowed to interview people. He just shoots the s*** and gets down to business. He doesn’t make people do the “mani-cam” which is pretty much a webcam hidden in a shoebox. Let me just say, If I put my hand in that thing, I would probably flick it off in order to be 100% sure that everyone at home could see my overpriced manicure that I didn’t have to pay for.

By far, Merritt Wever stole the show. Her speech, was pure brilliance. In case you missed it: “I have to go, bye.” Genius. It really got me thinking, if I had just unexpectedly beat out Jane Krakowski and Anna Chlumsky for an Emmy, I would probably poop my pants.  First off all, after my name was called I would most likely fall up the stairs. But not in a clumsy adorable way like Jennifer Lawrence. No, my fall would probably end with my rented stilettos breaking as I not-so-gracefully plummet to my embarrassing demise. Upon gathering my dignity from the floor, I would look up to check if anyone noticed, only to find Matt Damon starring at me with his best Macaulay Culkin Home Alone impression. Would I even be able to make a speech after that? If I did, I would be a stuttering hot mess and start thanking random people such as Anne Hathaway or my 7th grade health teacher who doubled as my volleyball coach. so hats off to Merritt Wever, for keeping it simple.

Some of the winners were accurate while other absolute BS (in my opinion at least). Tina Fey and Tracey Wigfield definitely did deserve the Emmy for writing the series finale of 30 Rock, hands down. Tina’s speech was full of elegance yet modestly funny, and Tracey just seems like the kind of girl who would come over to drink slutty pink Moscato and binge watch The Office after a rough day. In other words, I fantasize about us being best friends. Then there was the “Lead Actress In A Comedy Series” category, which was stressing me out ever since the nominees were released in August. Julia vs. Amy vs. Tina vs. Lena vs. that “nurse” lady. Julia is so good in Veep, so her winning was okay, but I was still heart broken for Amy. I love Lena as well and she is super talented, but I’m sure if she won she would have probably gotten naked right in the middle of the stage. As long as the nurse lady didn’t win, I was happy. For I will not have that.

Now, “Lead Actor In A Comedy Series” we all know that Alec Baldwin had it in the bag. When I heard “And the Emmy goes to….Jim Parsons” I literally screamed. I was and still am so pissed. Mostly because after hearing his name I spilled half of my wine into my lap. Don’t even get me started on The Big Bang Theory… I put it in the same category as Rascal Flatts, Swine Flu, and the Trail mix in my bag of M&Ms. If that wasn’t bad enough, Modern Family won best comedy. Don’t get me wrong I love Modern Family, but if your telling me that this past season was better than Veep, 30 Rock, and Parks, you are even drunker than me at this point. At least Will Ferrell showed up with a clever bit to save the show.

To sum it all up:  John Hamm still doesn’t have his Emmy, The Big Bang Theory is uhhhh, and I feel personally victimized by The Academy.